Ok folks, I’m sure that you’ve all heard by now, the end of times is upon us, and I’m sure you’re laying out your best vestments for your journey. Let’s be honest here, about 90% of us are damned to hell anyway, so don’t go making plans for your ascent into heaven…you’ll be sorely disappointed. So, why not take this opportunity to get all the shit you ever wanted but couldn’t afford due to it being so frivolous? Most people will be losing their minds when fire starts raining down from the sky, and will be wandering around aimlessly for the subsequent 5-months, waiting for the world to end, but not us gamers. We’re used to going long stints without any form of human interaction, so, in during these 5months, why not take this chance to play all those games you’ve always wanted to, but couldn’t afford with a little post-rapture looting?
Ideally, you’ll want at least one looting buddy, which enables you to hit multiple locations and carry more shit. First you need to think about the necessities: power, output devices (televisions), various cheese-based snacks, and carbonated beverages.
Step 1: Make a list of the consumable necessities you’ll need. If you go in without a plan you’ll end up leaving with shit you don’t need, like dishwashing liquid, cans of Alpo, and abandoned children. Making the list ensures you can dash in and dash out, enabling you to quickly reach your next looting destination. Some suggestions for grocery store looting include: Cheez-Its, Doritos, Spam, paper towels (we’re not savages), Mountain Dew, and chocolate chip cookies.
Step 2: Next, take stock of your current gaming collection. Do you have all the systems that are currently available? If no, add those that are missing to your list. What about all the corresponding peripherals? Add those to the list. Now, for the “meat”, organize your games into four separate piles: Completed, In-Process, Haven’t touched, & Complete pieces of shit. In a Post-Rapture world, the governments of the world will have collapsed, leaving all forms of currency worthless, and leaving those of us left behind to implement a bartering system, hopefully, your collection is large enough where you have no less than 35 completed games, if not, it will force you to loot extra, which could become a hindrance depending on how many games you wish to loot for personal use. Once those have been organized, head on over to your favorite video game peddling website and take your time perusing their catalogue. While you may feel rushed with it being the end of the world and all, now is not the time to get sloppy and forget items., the last thing you want to do is have to venture out into the outside world the following days (we’ll touch on this more later). Now, I can’t tell you which games you should pick up, this is all personal preference, try to remember all those games you wanted to play, but were scared away by shitty reviews, felt you were paying too much for a rehash, was waiting for the price to drop, or just too lazy to go to the store. To give you an idea for each category, these are a sampling of what’s on my list, Golden Axe: Beast Rider (Shitty-- but interested), New Super Mario Bros (Rehash), Heavy Rain (I’m a cheap bastard) Donkey Kong Country Returns (Best Buy is more than a ½ mile away).
Step 3: Now that we’ve got food and games covered, the next are the technical supplies needed: mainly power generators. Now, folks in the suburbs may have it easier as a Lowes, Home Depot, or some other kind of home improvement store is in a fairly close distance, and can easily loot one. However, I suggest you stop here first as I’m certain these will be a hot commodity amongst non-gamers for their cappuccino makers and iron lungs. For those living in the city, it gets a bit difficult but you have a few options ahead of you:
a) You could always build a generator. While I don’t have the logistics of what is needed, I’m certain if you watch old episodes of MacGuyver you’ll stumble across something. I will say this much, a hamster, gerbil, or other small animal, would not be able to keep up with the power output needed to run everything, as a result, you may be forced to kidnap a number of small children (should you have not created any yourself), just make certain you make concessions for that while looting food.
b) Now, the obvious choice is flat out taking someone else’s, chances are you’d have to travel out to the suburbs, so, in place of looting on in the initial hours after the Rapture, I suggest you go for a larger pickup, or semi w/ trailer if possible.*
*Pro Tip: Hospitals generally have an overabundance of power generators, since those left behind are doomed to hell for all eternity anyway, there’s no need to prolong their suffering in this world. Infact, in your roundabout way of murdering them by stealing these generators, it’s possible you inadvertently get them a pass into Limbo/Purgatory. You should take this opportunity to pat yourself on the back for being such a great humanitarian. Kudos!
Now, it’s important to remember that you will not be the only person taking to the streets for looting, and should be prepared to arrive a few hoursearly to the location (like Black Friday, but with more damnation) where you plan to kick off your looting. Since Rapture starts at 6pm, most stores will be open, so you can simply mingle about with an empty cart, and, come 6:01, start piling things into your cart using the “Sweeping your arm across the shelf” method.
Additionally, there are unconfirmed reports about a Zombie Apocalypse taking place immediately after the initial events of the Rapture. Be certain that you have, at the very least, a blunt object in your possession that is capable of crushing skulls, should you have a long bladed weapon fit for decapitating, even better. I strongly suggest you take the time between now and the Rapture to get in as many rounds of Left 4 Dead as you possibly can. This virtual zombie apocalypse simulator will help refine your reflexes, help you identify zombie classifications, and what symptoms you should be on the lookout for infection.
If all goes well, you can ride out the end of days in relevant comfort, just make certain you take frequent gaming breaks to clear out any zombies which may have found their way on to the premises.
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